SUPA K

In case any one cares

You know the one I'm talking about.... the one where you know you have to get up and do something, ANYTHING, but you aren't sure what.  I hate it.

 

I have to go to Superstore and get the pictures I ordered.  I got a picture of me printed that I'm having framed and mailing to Will to surprise him.  I know he'll love it.

 

I had that moment of craziness last week (we're assuming I was PMSing) when I was sobbing into the phone talking to him.  What about?  No clue.  He said something that made me start to cry.  I missed him.  I hate that feeling.  I hate long distance relationships.  I knew that I did, but yet I couldn't resist this man.  Although it won't be long distance much longer.  And it was only for a couple of months anyway.

 

I'm worried about us though.  That because we've been apart for so long that we're going to spend every minute together and he's going to get sick of me, or I'll get sick of him....  Thank goodness he works such long hours that way it won't be constantly seeing one another.... 24 hours a day type thing.... but still.

 

I'm getting worried about the move.  I don't want to start packing my things, because that would be like finalizing it.... but I only have 2 1/2 weeks left.  This is crazy.  I'm going to miss my friends.  I know this.  It's silly, really, because I hop from person to person normally anyway.... but I'm quite fond of all of them.

 

It's a big change.  I'm ready though.  I'm getting quite sick of things around here lately.  Sick of the ex, mainly.  I had a girl come up to me at work yesterday and ask me how Ryan and I were doing.  I had to inform her that we broke up.  4 months ago.  She said "Oh, that's too bad.  You made him really happy."  Well, apparently I did not.  But whatever, I'm not going to get into it with random who didn't even know we'd broken up.  2 of Kelcy's friends broke up recently and she was telling me how he did it.  We were both commenting on how good he did, and how he didn't purposely try to hurt her in any way.  When you love someone, that's what you do.  There is no need to completely and utterly destroy someone when you're breaking up with them.  No need at all.  Unless, you cheated on that person.  That's a tough conversation, and I will never go through that again.  I just don't understand why men seem to have this idea in their head that they have to be completely and utterly malicious to the other person when they're breaking up.  YOU'RE AN ADULT!!!  ACT LIKE ONE!

 

I'm just sick of him.  I'm sick of him being around, I'm sick of seeing his comments on facebook, his IP address on my shit, I'm sick of seeing his fucking car everywhere, his face.  Especially his face.  God.  I said to Kelcy after staring after him walking away from us, "How did I go out with that guy?" she laughed and said "I don't know".  I honestly think it's possible to despise someone to the point of them becoming ugly to you.

 

I don't know why I'm ranting and raving about him.  If we didn't work together, or have some of the same friends, I would never have to deal with him ever again.  I never would have even been thinking about him recently because his constant reminder isn't floating around me like a sore thumb.  Maybe he won't be at work again today.

 

One can only hope.

 

I just want him out of my life.  He's driving me crazy.

I'm starting to think that I will not finish 50 books in a year.

 

But that's ok.  It just means that I now have a life, and I'm not spending all of my time reading anymore.  **Silver lining**

 

I have a job interview on the 26th of May.  I don't know what to wear, I don't know what I'm going to say, and I'm slightly nervous about this whole move thing that I'm doing.  I have never done anything like this before, and I am worried that I'm going to get homesick and want to come back home.  Although, this is a huge possibility.  Not the coming home part, the homesick part.  I'll be coming back though.  I have bridesmaids dresses to try on, Christmas, socials, Weddings, I will be back.... I will see my friends.  I will.

 

But I'm starting to get a little scared.  This is where Will comes in.  I feel like he has all these huge expectations of me, and that I'm not going to live up to them.  "You're perfect" he keeps telling me.  To which I always respond "No one's perfect."  Then list off the qualities that I've been told by exes make me undesirable, and then Will tells me that just because I went out with an asshole doesn't necessarily mean that I am all those things.  That there's nothing wrong with being friendly, out-going, flirty (to an extent) because he knows I'm coming home with him. 

 

THAT is what I was missing.  The guy who lets me be ME and doesn't hold me back, because he knows that I'm his.  Will always jokes about flying in to Winnipeg with a baseball bat to beat down all the men who made me doubt myself.... treated me poorly.  When did I get so lucky?  It's been three weeks, and I can still clearly picture that time when I was leaning against the door frame watching him roll out pizza dough telling me some crazy story and laughing his stupid goofy laugh.  It's actually the only memory I have that's clear.  All the others are kinda jumbled.  Forced. 

 

I need to bring my camera up when I'm there on that weekend.  I will have to take pictures of everyone, and Will.  No more camera phone pictures.  REAL pictures!

Which is good.... because that means I can post on here, and no one would be any wiser!

 

So we haven't sold the house yet.  I'm off work today because I'm having "surgery" and there are two house showings this afternoon.  So much for relaxing about....  There's also one tonight.  I'm going to be dying, just sitting on a bench somewhere.  FUCK!

 

But, it's not like I can say no, right?  I mean it's not SERIOUS surgery, but it would have been nice to be able to sit around and veg and do all that stuff you get to do when you have the day off work.  Maybe I'll be sitting the back yard.  That's exactly what the people who are looking to buy our house need to see!  But seriously, I don't know what they expect me to do.  It's not like I'll be able to GO anywhere....  Dangnabbit!

 

I'm counting the days until I go to Stratford.  I have many a friend who is irritated at me, some who are sad, some who are excited and some that really don't care.  Those last ones aren't my friends, and I'm really not talking to THEM anymore.

 

I was emailing a girl at work who was getting upset and angry at my leaving, and I told her to turn around and yell at Ryan, since it was entirely his fault.  Actually, the whole thing was hilarious, so I'll just share the whole email, including her response:

 

Well you know it is entirely his fault that I'm moving.

If we hadn't gone out, I wouldn't have had my heart broken, which means that I wouldn't have called my aunt crying and suggesting that I go out there for the vacation, which means that I wouldn't have fallen in love with Stratford because I wouldn't have known it's wonderfulness, and I never would have met Will.

 

On second thought, remind me to thank him ;o)

 

If it wasn't for him, there'd be no Will.

 

Kelcy's response:

 

You should send him a Hallmark card.  I wonder if they make a "thank you for treating me badly and dumping me so I took a trip and met someone else" card?

I'm going to miss that Kelcy!

 

So, this facebook thing has taken off like wildfire..... or wildflower.... whatever it is.  I'm getting invites from people I don't know, from my guy friend's girlfriends whom I have never met, being poked from people in the states that I don't think I have ever met because they are 5 years younger than me.... but whatever.  I just ignore, decline, hide blah blah blah

 

I still prefer my "hidden" oasis of my blog though.... I know it's not set for private, but people can't really find me here, nor do they even bother looking....  It's not the latest craze, and soon will be forgotten.  Which will turn it into my hidden oasis!  If it weren't for that star that showed up whenever I posted something new........  Oh well!

 

:o)

 

Gotta go for my surgery.  Have a good day person who reads my blog ;o)

So, since I've told almost everyone now, I am going to blog about it...

 

I'm moving to Stratford, ON.

 

This was a decision that has been up in the air for quite some time now.  The minute I was in that city, I felt more at home there, than I ever have in Winnipeg.  Everyone made me feel at home, and all of my aunt's friends made me feel extremely welcome.

 

My aunt and I made this decision while driving to the airport on Saturday.  She didn't want me to go, I didn't want to go, the kids didn't want me to go.  Now that I'm here, I really don't want to be here.

 

Don't get me wrong.  I love Winnipeg.  It's a great town, and I loved growing up here.  I'm just done with it.  I need to move on.

 

Also, as stated in my previous Blog, I met a guy.  A great guy.  He's the icing on the cake.  I was telling Esther, one of the managers at work about him, and she said to me "Is this guy real?  He sounds too pefect."  I feel the same way.  Sometimes I just want to pinch him.... but he's not here, so I can't.

 

As it stands, I'll be going in July.  Whether I have a job or not.  I'm not too concerned about being able to get a job.  I can always get a job.  That's not the issue at hand.  Currently, a whole slew of us are working on my cover letter and resume.  There's a posting for a CSR position in Waterloo, and it's only 40 minutes away.  I can always apply for that job if I can't get a job in Stratford.  Then wait until a position opens up.  There's also a home medical equipment store out there and since I did that job for two years, I don't think it would be an issue doing that either.

 

I'm going to miss everyone out here.  I really will.  I will be coming to visit, since my family is here, and I am only an email away.  I know that a bunch of you are pouting (yes, Gav, you're pouting) and I know that a lot of you are also excited.

 

I will have a going away party before I go, you can count on that.  Gotta have one last bash in the Clarkson house before it's sold anyway right?

 

You can count on the fact that I will be crying.  Waterproof mascara anyone?

So, my trip is coming to an end.... I leave tomorrow.  I honestly don't want to go.  I'm having a blast out here, although the kids are exhausting! 

 

I met a guy.  Which is one of the reasons why I don't want to go.  I don't know how I do this. 

 

I went to visit my Aunt at work on Tuesday.  Their restaurant was closed.  "Cleaning Day".  I went around back, and there are these two guys standing there.  I say to them "Can I get into Pazzo through...." "We're closed" Will says to me.  I laugh and tell him that I'm Marion's neice, and he laughs embarrassed (really, how was he supposed to know??) and shows me where she is.  Marion introduced me to him, and he walks away; I say to Marion "He looks just like Neil Patrick Harris.... Doogie Howser."  Everyone in the kitchen laughs, I get what I need and leave.

 

Later that day, I went back to pick Marion up, and Will's outside.  I tell him that he looks like Doogie, and he laughs and tells me that he gets that all the time, and I tell him I get Avril all the time.  I drive Marion home, and I tell her that I think that Will is cute.  The next day, she tells him that I think he's cute, he tells Marion he thinks I'm cute.  Total Grade 3 moment!  So, I'm continually stopping in to Pazzo to pick Marion up.  Always a little early so that I can chat with him.  Yesterday Marion was running a little late, and I'm chatting with him, we're goofing around, all the great stuff, and I "invite" him out for drinks, even though Marion did.  He comes out for drinks, and we completely hit it off.  COMPLETELY!  Marion and Jeff find an excuse to leave, and Marion tells me to stay.  We chatted all night long, he took me home, came in for a bit.  We watched Deal or No Deal.... exciting stuff!!! hah

 

Conveniently Marion lives right beside the elementary school, and Will told Marion that he'd do her Breakfast Club shift for her this morning, so I suggested that he stop by when he's done, and we go out for breakfast....

 

We're going out  for drinks tonight.... I really don't want to leave.

 

Another long distance relationship.... I'm lost for words.

EIGHT LASTS:
1. Last kiss: Ryan

2. Last beverage: coffee; alcoholic: red wine
3. Last phone call: family (dad, mom, sister - one call)
4. Last text message: Renee
5. Last cd played: Damien Rice
6. Last BUBBLE bath: two weeks ago
7. Last time you cried: three weeks ago
8. Last meal: No Fuss Moroccan Chicken

SEVEN have you's
1. Have you ever dated someone twice?: what do you mean by dated?  went on two dates with the same person or broke up and got back together?  No to the first, yes to the second.
2. Have you ever been cheated on?: Not that I'm officially aware of, but I think so.
3. Have you ever kissed someone & regretted it?: no

4. Have you ever fallen in love? yes
5. Have you ever lost someone?: yes
6. Have you ever been depressed?: sad, yes, not sure about depressed
7. Have you ever peed your pants?: hehe yes

SIX things you did in the past three days:
1. Went to school: no
2. Went to work: no
3. Colored: no
4. Got High: no
5. Got drunk: drank, but I didn't get drunk
6. Slept: yes

List FIVE people you can tell pretty much anything to:
1. Laura
2. Heather
3. Gavin
4. Jimmy
5. Brian

List FOUR things that you can't live without:
1. cigarettes (this has been proven by my countless attempts at quitting)
2. books
3. my computer
4. music and/or movies

List THREE favorite colors.
1. blue
2. pink
3. purple

list TWO things you want to do before you die
1. go to Greece
2. quit smoking

List ONE thing you regret
1. I don't regret anything.  The choices I've made have made me who I am.

The trip is going great!

 

But I have to say, I'm really getting annoyed with all the people telling me I look like Avril Lavigne, and 3 kids certainly are exhausting.

 

I am boning up on my motherly duties though.  There's nothing like bribing a kid to finish his book report and then telling him what to write after skimming it.  But, it's done, and that's what matters.

 

The kids fight like cats and dogs while playing board games.  It's so funny.

 

I'll write more when I get a chance...

 

I've spent today relaxing, and shopping.  I'll be doing more shopping tomorrow.

 

I picked up the cutest wine glasses.  Turns out I'll have to ship them back because I can't bring them on as carry-on luggage, and I don't trust the ramp rats not to break them.

 

I really don't want to come home.  I'm rather enjoying it out here.  It's the most adorable town.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I can't remember where I read this, or if I heard it somewhere....

 

"REM sleep is your brains way of working thoughts out."  I'm starting to really believe this.  This morning I woke up feeling better than I have in weeks.  I felt relaxed; that I had everything all figured out.

 

When I was with Colin, I spent a lot of our relationship concerned that he was comparing me to the other women he'd been with.  I, unfortunately, wasn't in a place where I felt secure enough to voice these concerns.  Since then, I have gotten over that.  Or, so I'd thought.  I thought I was over this when "he'd" say to me "You're the first girl I have never compared to my ex.  I compare all the other girls to you." and then retort with "You're just like my ex".  Although, it wasn't a fear that "he'd" be comparing me to others, "he" was outright telling me how I was like her....

 

Do we spend our entire lives comparing our relationships to our old ones?

 

I'd like to think I do not.  However, after someone points out to me how much I'm like THEIR ex, I start realizing the similarities in our relationship to the previous ones I've had.

 

Where I'm getting with this, is that I realized that I don't want to spend my life being compared to someone else.  Not saying that I'm going to go out and find a guy who has never been with someone before me, but the last thing I want is to think "Did I do this like her, did I do that like her."  I want to have firsts with "him".  REAL firsts.  It IS important to have firsts in a relationship, and the firsts I want I can have. 

 

I want to be with a man who hasn't lived with someone before me, who hasn't been married, who doesn't have kids.  I need these things for my own sanity.  The last thing I want in the back of my mind is the constant thought of "did I cook dinner like her", "am I as clean as she was", "do I do the laundry right".  Clearly, as women, we do realize that men are going to compare us (primarily) to their mother, but I think we've all accepted that. 

 

I want someone to put me up on that pedestal only reserved for the really special firsts you share with someone. 

 

THAT'S what's important to me.  More than anything.

 

I'm glad I realized this.  I feel an important sense of closure now.